Ok, just to clarify, no matter what I will be going round the world. Not going is not an option.The blockade I'm up against is, I suppose, far less dramatic; although when, in all its colourful glory, I cannot see around or over it, it feels unconquerable. Simply, I cannot decide whether agency is the right way to go, or whether I should stay where I am for now.

Money aside, agency is far less deep in nature, and probably less fulfilling - You get no input into people's lives, and barely get to know anyone. But it would enable me to see a huge variety of places and meet a lot of people which would help with my appalling face-value people skills and give me a wider picture of the sector. Ok, so, money has to be an issue in the equasion, since I'm trying to save. I'd be looking at, on average £3/hour more & extra for uncivilised hours or holidays.

But if I stay, I can get my NVQ 2 (or 3, hopefully, with a little hard-talking to the area manager), get on the trainer's training which you, in theory need to do all the induction shit for new staff that I've done for 12 months. It looks far more impressive on paper. And Gerry wants to use me to develop staff skills, apparently, which would be great managerial experience. I'd be working with tenants I'm comfortable with, and a supportive, fabulous staff team I know and trust. And I'd miss 'em like hell if I leave. And the service is changing for the better, and I could be a frontline part of that as part of the senior team. It's easier to stay; I'm comfortable, and lately, it's felt all the time like I belong. But I don't know if that's a good thing. And I don't know whether re-committing will make it harder for me to leave later on.

Money isn't the most important thing, obviously. but since both choices would allow me to develop different skills in completely different ways, I can't help feeling that whatever I do, I'll be short-changing myself.

Oh for the power of the Magic 8!

So, I think I've got everything straight in the tangled web that is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it all. And then Gerry comes along, all full of enthusiasm and ideas, abundant with praise, and he asks me to stay. Armed with all the above and an extra helping of logical twists in argument, it's left me in a muddle.

A muddle with an ultimatum. It's my exit interview on Monday morning unless I retract my resignation. Why can you never find a coin when you need one.

But it's beautiful outside. I think I'll go for a ponderous walk.

This is not about...

This is not about having a bad day -I'm stronger than that. This is not, I promise you, some personal vendetta dreamt up just to hurt you. This is not some childish, selfish dream, with little plan or purpose. It is not about a new beginning, or leaving everything behind, for that would be extracting part of me. It is not an abandonment of anyone, or anything - I will be back, when I am ready. And it is not about taking the easy road.

This is not about you. It is not about something you've done, or not, or said, or not. For if it was, there'd be no silence, and there are a hundred ways to let you know which are of little cost to me. No, this one is not about you.

This one is about me, outside of everything. This is about leaving it all behind - my life, my friends, my family, and mroe than anything, preconceptions put upon myself and others. This is about discovery and definition. It's about being me, for me and no-one else. This is about the risk - of putting myself out there in a way I never have. It's about not having those I trust to catch me when I fall - as I know you will. This is about proving I can do it, to no-one in particular.

This is about knowing nothing; about a thirst to drink the world into my soul. This is about confidence and affirmation; about a life without regret. It's something I must do - though why, I can't explain. This time, it's all about me.

Doorways.

I found this on my PC last night, and as it kinda summed up the last few months of Change Making, I thought I'd stick it here:

Leaning agaist the solid oak frame, and clutching coffee with both hands, I can feel the sun as it soaks my clothes and skin. The sky, blue as pre-school artholds dots of cartoon clouds, and further back a day-moon shines in mystical defiance. A glimmer of a rainbow forms across the dew-soaked earth. The springtime birds, and happy infant calls mingle with the traffic-noise of people's lives, but still, in view there's picture perfect fields, their flora swaying, calming and inviting, by the duckling stream and wisdom-laden copse. A cat meanders past, and the scent of its latest haystack romp rises up and mingles with the green rose smell of holidays.

And a part of me is longing to rush out, to touch and smell, and hear it all, to feel the burning heat of it until the very essence of the day is part of me, a tattoo in my mind.

Inside, the heat of sun is absent, and the air is still. A cat snoozes on the boiler, and coffee gurgles as it filters to the jug; it's heavy, fresh aroma mingling with that of buttered toast. The radio emits a gentle,, easy tune, and in the next room the T.V adds a deeper tone. Someone in the background tries to start a conversation; their tone riddled with urgency.

And suddenly I cannot leave, but am discontent to stay. So I stand and stare through the doorway as I try to find an answer.

Zis kitten, it is faulty, zis kitten, it no longer works!

After an ace weekend of nothing much with Rachel, people keep asking me if I'm ok, and telling me I'm not when I reply. Which is weird - I'm great, honestly. Ok, so I've been a little preoccupied with making sure I've made the right decision about moving on, and a few things have made that process really tough, but thanks to the honest aid of You Lot, it's all good. So, I handed in my resignation today. Am registering with an agency on Tuesday, and their CRB should be through by the time I finish work with U.B.U.

Current travel itinerary goes like this: Jordan, Syria, Israel. Back home for a week to sort next string of visas. Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Back through India, Nepal, China, South Korea, Back through China, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Southern Isles of Indonesia including Flores and Komodo, then Oz.

Quoted Happy

After a shit morning at work on my day off, I headed into town in search of a free pick-me-up. So, stopping downstairs in Borders, I flicked through Lonely Planets for an hour - it's honestly not as sad or boring as it sounds - and then headed for STA.

Had a retrospective laugh about delayed flights with the awesome guy who sorted Borneo for me, and then I threw a bunch of questions at him. 20mins of discussion later, I discover I can go to 7 extra places, for 1/2 of my original estimated price!

All I need is that job with the agency, and the world is my shellfish!

Changes

Belive it or not, before I actually get Out There, there are bigger, more gristly chunks to swallow than the concept of living from a 65l sack and befriending the unknown.

First, I have to quit my job - an obvious one perhaps, and not such a bad thing for the most part, though perhaps the hardest of them all, and it occurs a little sooner than it might've. The plus side - agency work, on top of part time retail should provide a wider experience and a healthier pocket (shifts at £7 - 21/ hour). And, well, the problems that drove me mad(der) will dissolve in moments.

I'm trading my scary all-impressive motorbike for a pushbike - it's cheaper, costs nothing to run, does no damage to my world, except perhaps an accident or several as I distract the small children - really, what IS the fascination when an adult goes by on a bike? I just don't get it! - I should get fitter pretty quickly, and along with public transport and walking, will be transport of choice throughout my adventures, so I should really get some practice in. Oh, and it hurts like hell on those badly paved stretches.

I've forbidden myself from an excess of spending - so it's the library not the bookstore; the outdoors, museums, the gym, and plain-old-writing replace the shopping sprees, starbucks and cinemas, and on occassions that I treat myself to Socialite status, more coke than beer and pubs instead of pay-in clubs. (Please understand this is NOT a complete ban - a girl needs Guinness, and will not abandon friends!). To help with this, I think I'm going to need a few inspiring pics of destinations - on my wall, and maybe in my wallet!

So, here's to a healthier, more determined me, and a happier wallet with a goal!

Armed and Dangerous

Armed with a plan that is!

So, the current, subject-to-change unpolished plan is as follows: Start off in Israel as a kibbutz volunteer for approx 6 months. From there, somehow get to India. You've probably heard of my incredible India plans already so I wont repeat myself; will be spending as long as possible here - at least 6months, possibly more if placements of up to 8 months dont count on 6-month visas. Will then go overland to China via Nepal, and down to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia, spending approx a month in each, except Nepal which will be merely a stepping-stone for this particulr trip. Then on to Australia for 12months working holiday before I return. :-D

Escaping The Cheese.

Hi everyone, I'm back with another lousy set of excuses for my absence. This time, I've been way too busy plotting my escape from The Hell ofHere and Now. It dawned on me that if things continue the way they're headed, I'll be managing a service of my very own in a year or so. This really scared me, and I saw myself blurring into an embodiment of HeWho'sToBeObeyed. I don't want to be a retiree who's done the same things, n the same place, with the same people, forever. I want to be the one with stories of the time I headbutted a Great White, threw paint around for Holi, braved buses and street stalls, and spent 2 months in a gompa learning Buddhist ways from the best. I want to do it all.

And with images of stalemate in my 60's like an oncoming car, the natural response was, obviously to get away. So I've been planning a 2-3 year adventure.

I just want to thank all the Turtles and Jungle Bunnies who have helped me spot that path to the Cheeseless Regions!