In Too Deep.

I feel like I'm drowning in a callous sea of green. Oh, there are starfish in the water, who kindly push me to the surface, where the sun shines, and the albatross glide contentedly upon the softened air, but then the rubber grip of silken weeds takes hold, and back down I go, with hardly any air at all. I love the sea, with all my heart. It's beautiful, no matter what its mood, and I wouldn't be without it. but it hurts like hell.

---

Things are weird right now. On the face of it, things are sorting themselves out, as things generally do, one way or another. But somehow, when I stop examining this fact, it slips out of sight, replaced by the knowledge that I am in fact, in too deep.

One, small sliver of an example, is the progress made today for Snehalaya. I received an email from The Boss, agreeing to the basic idea that all parties involved need a functioning training and support scheme. And though I know what's needed, and it got me all excited and relieved for a while, now I'm not so sure I want the responsibility, not sure I'm the right person to be developing it. I don't know how or where to start. I'm sinking beneath it, because I can't remember how to swim.

Cue: Close your eyes. Write what you see.

I close my eyes and I see her, dusty-haired and tear-stained; terrified, flinching, wincing at the thought of touch. And I see them, laughing, leering, in the background.
I see him, hyperactive, violent, shunned by everyone. They don't see the hurt in his eyes, but I do.
I close my eyes and I see him, peering at the world through a porthole none but him will ever view, shying away from the chaos; rebuked, forgotten, because he doesn't respond the way they think he should.
I see blood, and pain, and scarring so deep it will never heal. I see the beatings of old, the confusion and longing. I see misery.

But I also see her, squealing with joy at the touch of grass beneath her feet. I see him sitting at a desk, focussed. I see change, slow and methodical, but definitely there.
I see unbounded hope, I see smiles beneath the dirt. I see passion and acceptance; future.

It doesn't take a lot. It's why my eyes open again, every day.